The Father

Hello sir, I’ve seen you driving by several times, always slowing down to see what we’re doing. Please, don’t stand on ceremony- we are all friends here and welcome the company of strangers. This is my family, playing the greatest game in the world- McCurdy Wiffle Ball! What? You’ve never heard of the game? It’s a classic, sir, I assure you, and one that you may want to pass down to your boys, if you have the pleasure to have sons. Out there are brothers, fathers, sons, nephews, and uncles. Oh, the older gentleman at bat right now? That would be my father, bless him. Most of the family calls him “Extra Innings Billy”, a nickname he earned over 30 years ago. Why, you ask? Simply put, he’s always had a knack for coming through when a tight games goes long. He’s what the younger ones call “clutch as heck”

Always

Ah, Father, the patriarch, the Tree of Life, from which we all descend, the man who has influenced our dreams and goals during our formative years, giving us the father he never had himself, out there in the field with his boys, still playing McCurdy Wiffle Ball with his sons- wait a minute. Is he still wearing that hat? AAARGH ! I CAN’T STAND IT!!! THAT STUPID LITTLE FRENCH BERET! I HATE THE FRENCH! YOU KNOW WEARS HAT LIKE THAT? MIMES! MIMES AND MY DAD!!!

Please sir, no pictures, nobody needs to see that. That man’s been through enough in his life, what with his artificial knees, nose surgery, Tim, and premature balding, which is why the man needs to wear a hat, ok? Seriously, quit laughing and let’s just forget about all of it, ok? I’m serious. He needs to wear a hat.

Sometimes

Why a beret? I don’t know sir, we like what we like, you know? Sure, almost anything would be better, like a cowboy hat! How cool would that be, Dad in a 10 gallon hat! To be honest, sir, I’d settle for a beanie with a propeller- I mean, even John Wayne looked like he was trolling for a date at the rest stop when he wore a beret. Che Guevera lost a lot of his natural menace (and discovered his basic girl scout) when he wore a beret. So you can see my dilemma, right sir? So if you wouldn’t mind putting that camera away…no more pictures, sir, I must insist…here, can I see your camera? I’ll be careful with it, I promise. Oops, I accidentally tossed it 100 feet out into the lake, I’m really sorry.

No, don’t bother getting out of the car, unless you want a real ass-whupping…actually, you’re quite large when you’re not sitting down, aren’t you? I hope you understand about the camera accident, it was completely unintentional, I swear…

OW! That hurt! Was that necessary? Look, that’s my dad, ok, and I just don’t take kindly to people taking his picture when he’s wearing that beret plus….OW! Really? Again? Is this blood? Is this my blood? Son of a biscuit! I think I’m going to throw up. Stupid beret!

Never